TRIP TO COSTCO
07-14-2010, 06:17 PM
TRIP TO COSTCO
From an e-mail:
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina
dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the
checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes
coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so
it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the
dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an
Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the
world to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all
your retired friends......it will be their Laugh for the day..
It is our attitude toward free thought and free expression that will determine our fate. There must be no limit on the range of temperate discussion, no limits on thought. No subject must be taboo. No censor must preside at our assemblies.
–William O. Douglas, U.S. Supreme Court Justice, 1952
07-15-2010, 12:26 PM
RE: TRIP TO COSTCO
Several years ago my wife was taking me reluctently shopping yet again,
so I had to have a way out of this chore. It does not take two to shop....
Whilst we were going up one aisle and down the next in an orderly manner, I realised a young boy and his mother were doing the same, but exactly opposite to us,
so every aisle we pasted in opposite directions.
I, whilst the young boys mother was looking elsewhere pulled my tongue out at the young boy.
He responded, his mother saw his action, but not mine, I pretended to her to ignore the young boy.
Every aisle I pulled my tongue out more and waved my hands and made gestures to the young boy.
He returned them with gusto, it was fun.
All the while I made sure his mother didn't see me gesticulate, and pretended to look with disapproval at her young boy.
My wife saw what was going on, but didn't know what to do.
In the end the young boy got quite a telling off from his mother, who still hadn't seen me do anything....
My wife was livid with me, and tried to tell me off when we got home,
she tried, I just laughed, and laughed, I couldn't, try as I might, keep a straight face,
that poor lad, but heck, that's what kids are for sometimes..
Anyway the next week my wife insisted I go shopping with her again.
So, I did, I was the perfect model husband, following around pushing the cart as required.
She really should of known better....
We got to the freezer section, the larger, low, open, chest freezers. My wife, who is a bit "vertically challenged" was leaning over,
struggling to get the last pack of frozen sausages from the bottom of one of the freezers.
She was almost balanced on the edge of the freezer, as I dutifully caught up with her, pushing the cart.
It was quite easy really, timing is always the key in this type of situation.
As I passed my "balanced" wife, I just gave her legs a bit of a lift, a sort of up and over.
As I proceeded further down the aisle, all I could see behind me were a couple of feet sticking up out of the freezer, frantically waving back and forth.
This did upset my wife, but I didn't really care, the tears were streaming down my face for days afterwards.
For a long time my wife did not take me shopping after that, but now she seems to think it normal that I should go shopping.
Me, I havn't decided yet, but the below letter is a source of some inspiration...Enjoy.
Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping.
This letter was actually sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford :
Dear Mrs. ######,
Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card,
the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us,
unless your Husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of his actions over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... And watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calorgas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
8.. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. October 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.
10. November 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.
11.November 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.
12. November 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled' PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'
13. November 21: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'
And; last, but not least:
14. November 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.
Sometimes, I don't feel alone in this cruel, cruel world we live in...
The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed
(and hence clamorous to be led to safety)
by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.
H. L. Mencken.
The hobgoblins have to be imaginary so that
"they" can offer their solutions, not THE solutions.
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